LTK (Lets Talk Kids)

The ABC’s of Introducing Manners to toddlers.

According to Wikipedia, a toddler is a child between the ages of one and three. The toddler years are a time of great cognitive, emotional and social development. So the question arises, is it possible to teach manners to a toddler? The answer is ‘yes’ and in fact, it is the best time for them to cultivate good manners to be better people in the future.  Fortunately, it is possible to raise mannerly children without subjecting them to repression. Start your toddler on the road to civility, with the following tips:

Lay The Right Foundation:

Good Manners aren’t just a matter of being versed in “Please” and “Thank You”. The underlying principle of good manners is consideration towards others i.e. saying “Please” and “Thank you” means that you care. So to raise an authentically well-mannered child, you need to teach the “why” of the etiquette along with the “how”.

The objective is to teach manners that come from the heart rather than from the command. Your child should understand why he is thanking the other person (because he was helped), as it is polite to say “Can you please, show me that toy?”

I remember these words I read in a book: “you don’t show courtesy to others because they’re gentlemen but because you are one’. Quite true, indeed!!

Set An Example:

The best way to teach manners to your child is to display them yourself. If you are in habit of speaking “Thank You”, “Please” and “Excuse Me” at appropriate moments, your toddler will understand and imbibe this by himself. Always make it a point to say “Thank You”, when he helps out in some chores, and wink at him when he says “You are welcome”. Never mind saying “I’m sorry” to your child when you make a mistake.

I believe accepting your mistakes help your child to accept that we are not perfect and everyone makes mistakes. But then teaching to learn from mistakes will need another article. To teach respect and considerations for others, you should respect and consider your toddler’s feeling at all times.

Speak for your toddler:

Toddlers don’t know enough to say “good-bye” or “thank-you” or “Please”. So it’s up to you to speak those words for them, “Good-Bye Aunty”, “Thanks for coming” or “Please can you show me the car?”. Hearing you repeat the ‘magic words’ over and over again in social situations, at home and outside will teach your child much more about common courtesy.

Keep the Pressure-off:

Don’t nag your child for not saying “Thank-you”, “Sorry" or “bye”. Rather, always explain why it’s important to say all these words at appropriate occasions. Pressure isn’t appropriate but reminders are. When you’re alone with your child and he forgets to say “please”, remind him to say it. Always speak these words when dealing with your child.

A speaker once said, “Do you know when I used to say "sorry" to my child for doing something wrong, he replies back “its ok”, the way I do, without telling him to do so. So this works.

Listen to your child:

I cannot stress on this point more than to remind you that you must always show keen interest in your child. Always give your complete attention. Being a better listener is an important part of being a polite and considerate person.

As parents, we should seek to raise children that would better the society not further cause chaos, so start your child on the right note today and the world would celebrate not just your child but YOU.

Ihuoma Dafe

Child Advocate & Consultant

http://www.facebook.com/ProjectsKids



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Understanding Our Kids Behavior At Each Stage

This section traces the general cause of moral and social development that children undergo in their preschool years. Knowing what children are like at different development levels will help us understand that some of the problems are part of normal growth. Progress will also be uneven – within the same developmental stage. At times your child will be co-operative, expansive and socially secure whereas there will be times when he is rebellious, insecure and emotionally off balance. All this, is a natural part of his journey towards self-control.

Birth to 18 Months

• For the first weeks of his life, the baby is busy trying to gain grip on his body and environment and he is not ready to take lessons in behavior. But remember that foundations are laid at this stage, through all the love, care, hugs and kisses that you bestow on him. As your kid grows secure in this loving attachment, he learns to trust his parents and to seek their approval, and this will facilitate teaching good behavior at later stages.
• By the time the baby is two months old, he will respond back by showing smiles, gestures and sounds, in return to his parent’s voices, faces and hugs.
• In these ways, the baby is beginning to develop two crucial social abilities: imitation and reciprocity.
• Most of the positive social behaviors a child learns in the early years – such as sharing, polite manners and taking turns are developed through Imitation.
• Reciprocity – treating others as you would have them treat you, is the essence of Social Adjustment.
• As he grows, a baby gets increasingly better at deriving information from his parent’s faces and the faces of others. A look of pleasure signifies “proceed” to him; one of anger says “stop”.
• By six to nine months, babies come to understand the basic meaning of “no”. But if your kid is engaged in interesting activity like emptying flour in the kitchen, a loud “NO!” may actually intensify the activity underway. In such a situation, the best course of action is to remove the baby from whatever he’s doing; by moving either him or the object of interest. Distraction is the key here. We need to understand that reaction shown by the baby is a natural physical response to extra excitement caused by your outburst.
• Walking leads to a new period of independence, exploration and assertiveness and bouts of frustration when the child finds he cannot go to everywhere and have everything he wants.
• From this frustration springs signs of aggression, often around 16-18 months. Parents are shocked to see their kids throwing objects. While such behavior is perfectly natural, parents need to resolve to stay in control and re-direct their toddler towards more appropriate behavior, by diverting their attention to some other interesting activity.

18 months – Three years                

• The youngster in the early phases of this growth period begins to make distinction between “yours” and “mine”, to claim “mine” and resist sharing.
• At the same time “No” becomes the most common word in a two-year old’s vocabulary: “No Dinner”, “No Bath”, “No Brushing”.
• All this resistance and testing is part of child’s puling away from his parents and becoming his own individual. Parents must respect their youngster’s developing independence, while at the same time placing limits on behavior and encouraging cooperation.
• Impulse control is weak during this period. A two-year old can understand that he should not pull another child’s hair or clothes because it hurts. But this awareness doesn’t imply he will always do so. The child still lacks adequate inner controls; this is why tantrums and inner aggression appear from time to time.
• Even though children in this period are usually more independent and rebellious but still they have a growing capacity for cooperation and concern for the feelings of others. On occasions you can see a toddler expressing sympathy to crying baby or an adult in distress.
• Parents should take care not to get so caught up in the struggles of discipline that they will fail to elicit, notice and reinforce these first stirrings of empathy in their child. This is another important prerequisite to the social maturity of the child.

Three to Four Years

• At three years, two year old who were struggling to be independent now change to joiner and more willing to co-operate.
• A child’s mental development to this point has helped him to build ideas of an ordered, predictable world, and get uncomfortable if someone tries to change the routine.
• Three-year olds obey rules more or less by rote and even take pleasure and pride in following them – with exception of course.
• In general three-year olds are more cooperative and easier to manage and to reason with. Reason for such change is due to language development and advances in comprehension; as a result your kid can understand your explanation of rights and wrongs and is more responsive to spoken word.
• Growth in language skills also enables the child of three to begin to internalize his parent’s admonitions from time to time to say “no” to himself. At this stage he’s becoming adept to putting social behaviors into “good” and “bad” categories.
• Three-year-old’s desire to please makes this a good time for developing habits of helping around the house and for teaching simple table manners and other courtesies.
• At this stage, imitation is more important than ever as a source of moral learning: another important reason for you and your youngster to do things around house together. The three years-old that helps his father in cleaning the closet or car or his mother in cleaning or dusting is not only learning specific skills, but he is developing his identification with his parents and his receptivity to their values.
• The child this age may get very frustrated and lose control when he has to wait for something or has difficulty accomplishing a task he’s attempting, like building a tower of blocks. At this stage they need appreciation from parents and a little understanding and patience from you.
• He may still throw temper tantrums although, he will probably come out of them sooner than he did at two.

Principles to be followed for Effective Discipline

• Every child is different, every family is different, each circumstance is different – therefore there are many different approaches to discipline. But there are universal rules of behavior that apply to everyone, every time. Some of which are;
• Withholding parental love is not an acceptable method of discipline. It threatens a child’s self-esteem and sets the stage for variety of problems later. It is important to let children know that even when their behavior is not lovable, they are still loved.
• Discipline constructively: Use simple words and voice that is authoritative but not bossy. Try to say “Please do this”, more often than “Don’t do that”.
• Discipline Consistently: Do not let the child get away with a behavioral lapse one time and then punish him the next time. It will only confuse him and rules become meaningless. If you fail to be consistent, you’ll lose your credibility. When you do make exception, explain why.
• Explain why rules must be followed: Always try to explain the rationale behind your decision and rules. With reasons explained, the child is in better position to obey and absorb the behavior, understanding the consequences of it.
• Toddlers have limited memories. You can’t expect them to learn a lesson first time it’s taught, and you can expect them to repeat an undesirable action over and over again. Be patient, and be prepared to repeat the same message, before it sinks in.
• Monitor the results of your discipline efforts: Whatever technique you choose to use with your child, always observe his reactions closely. Make sure your methods are bringing intended results.
• Offer praise and encouragement when your child responds positively to your discipline: Nothing works as well as approval, and your child will be eager to show you how he can follow rules once he has obtained your blessing. This will also help in building your child’s self-confidence.
• Correction is much more effective when it takes place face to face rather than call from the other side of the room.

Ihuoma Dafe

Child Advocate & Consultant